A Dozen Hot, Sexy Gadgets

It’s summer and we all know what that means! Right? Yes, you in the back in the horrible green shirt; it means sexy ladies prancing around in little bikinis making men want to drop what they’re doing (unless it’s a chainsaw) and put on the moves. Once you’re in, it might be a good idea to invite your new sexy lady friend over to your house (or someone else’s if your house is infested with insects or asshole roommates) to check out your ‘immense’ collection of ‘hot’ gadgets and ‘sexy’ collectibles before you take off your ‘pants’. It will be ever so impressive to the woman when you show her your fun games that feature explicit sexual positions or your supply of anatomically correct dinnerware! Hey, wait, where is she going? Oh well, there’s always next time. Also, gents, if you’re married, much of this stuff is either really helpful in ‘one-on-one’ situations or else really creepy. Either way, here’s a dozen sexy gadgets with which to enjoy another’s company. Unless you’re alone. Then they’re just sad. Oh, and some might be NSFW. You are warned.

Sexy Refrigerator Poetry

Nothing says ‘I want to enjoy you on my bed’ like a pack of a thousand single-word magnets spelling it out. Chock full of adjectives, nouns, so many verbs, and a slew of exclamatory noises, you, too can take several hours to painstakingly form such phrases as, “You hot make my wet pants”. Nice.

Oral Sex Light

So often it’s tough to not only see what you’re aiming for, but also what you’ve just touched with your tongue when you’ve finally decided to ‘go down’ on your companion. That, friends, is where this head-lamp comes into play! It’s a bit like spelunking in a really damp and furry cave! Unless your partner is a bear, in which case you need more than a light.

Kama Sutra and Sauce

Not so much a gadget as a delicious and healthy way to eat yourself smarter in the ways of bizarre sexual positions! I’ll take my Kamarupa with a Ragu, please! Oh, you want Kamaloka and Alfredo? Well then you’re just weird!

Don’t Bite That Fork!

If you’re going to be noshing on pasta in the shape of couples copulating anyway, might just as well do it with forks that look like dicks. I know the actual ‘shaft’ end doesn’t really go in your mouth, but it still screams of giving a reach-around over lunch, ya know?

Shake it, Baby!

What better way to wake up to another horrible, taxing day in your otherwise miserable life than with the sexy writhing of your own pole dancer? Well, since you can’t afford a real woman, on a pole or otherwise, this clock is the best your lousy, worthless ass is gonna do. Enjoy!

Those Balls are Full

Many guys enjoy golf. Many women enjoy golf, as well. It is, however, rare when the two loves cross on the fairway for a slew of varying reasons. Why not increase the odds of an on-grass rendezvous with this set of golf balls chock full of little wieners and their accompanying penis-shaped tees? Seriously? Seriously.

Call Me Back Every Ten Seconds

This little beauty connects directly to your cell so you can finally enjoy the intimate pleasures of the influx of successive wrong numbers all day long. Why wait for the calls to come to you? Just dial up any number and make it look less odd while you’re pleasuring yourself in the mall by screaming right into the phone! Go you!

Damn, That’s a Hot Bottle Opener

Don’t just slyly whip out that rusted old bottle opener you’ve got dangling from your key chain while tossing back a few in mixed company! You, sir or madam, need this sexy, functional, and vociferous opener right here! I’d steer clear of cracking a Pabst in a library with it, though.

Giving Motor-Boating a Whole New Meaning

Seeing a voluptuous woman wander by with a stunning rack does more to a guy than just tent his trousers; it makes us salivate for a tempting mouthful. But, unfortunately, most woman frown on an impromptu jug-suckle in public. So, instead, get some chewy tit-candy instead! You might just make some friends.

Titmouse (Not the Bird)

If you’re going to surf incessantly for porn anyway, why not have a set of little boobs right at your fingertips to guide you on your way? Now while one hand is rooting around in your BVD’s, the other can be molesting a set of plastic breasts attached directly to your ‘hard drive’. Nice bounce.

I See Your ‘Ace’ and ‘Raise’

Sitting down with a woman to a nice game of 52-Pick-Up will be a hell of a lot more fun if the deck is stacked with helpful hints and images of fun in the bedroom. While she’s down there anyway daintily scooping up the scattered ruins of this sex deck, slowly lift her skirt…

You’ll Never Lose the Remote Again

Are you home alone? Are you anxiously awaiting that marathon of adult movies on Cinemax? Well, while you’re flipping through the channels in breathless anticipation, why not give your fingers some enjoyment that’s not behind your zipper with this super sexy remote.