We all know that feeling. Friday night, quitting time. You’re hot, sweaty, tired, and all you want is to do is go home to a nice pair of big, full, smooth…

beers!

Unfortunately for some of us, this isn’t as easy as it sounds. When you live in a dry county, the closest beer you can find is sometimes hours away. In this instance, a beer run becomes necessary.

In case you are not familiar with a beer run, it’s basically where a bunch of guys get in a car and drive to the closest wet county to buy alcohol. Why, you may be asking yourself, is it necessary for more than one person to go? This is simply because dry counties normally have a limit on how much beer one person is allowed to possess at a time. One particular town in Kentucky only allows two twelve packs per adult over 21. If you get caught with more than the allowed limit in your home or car, the fine is hefty. Therefore, the more people you can get to go on the beer run, the more beer you will be allowed to buy and bring back into the dry county with you.

As we all know, the more beer, the better.

Because there are few things that can cause more chaos than a pack of thirsty men making a road trip, we here at Gunaxin have decided to provide a list of rules for you poor fellows who must endure the weekly beer run. While there’s nothing that can make those hours between quitting time and your first beer any easier to handle, we hope these guidelines will at least make them a little more organized.

Rule numero uno:

If you can’t buy beer, you can’t go. You’ve just reached that magical age where you can legally buy yourself a tall cold one. Unfortunately, your girlfriend still has three months before she turns 21. Don’t even think about asking your buddies if she can tag along on a beer run. If this means she gets mad and you have to stay behind as well, we’re sorry. There’s no sense in filling a space with somebody who cannot contribute to the final beer tally.

Beer Run... You're doing it wrong.

Number 2:

Everybody has to buy the limit in beer. If you’re allowed twenty four beers each, then all of you must buy twenty four beers each. The point of a beer run is to get as much beer back into Dry County Hell as you legally can. This isn’t going to happen if some cheapskate wants to save money and buy just one or two beers. Each person can, however, buy the brand(s) of their choice.

Variety is important!

Number 3:

If somebody buys the cheapest, watered down garbage in the store, the guys who sprung for the good stuff are NOT obligated to share with him.

Number 4:

Take turns being the sober driver. In case the gang decides to stop in a bar and have a few before returning home with their loot, you’re going to need a sober driver. This poor fellow has to wait until he gets home before enjoying his beer, so everybody must take their turn.

Number 5:

If this is your first beer run, you are the sober driver. Call it paying your dues. If there isn’t a new guy, turns progress in whatever order you choose.

Number 6:

Passenger/room-for-beer ratio is imporatant. You want enough room to take as many people as possible, yet you still need space to put the beer. Think extended cab pick ups, SUVs and cars with large trunks. If you’ve got the best vehicle for the job, you are obligated allow it to be used for beer runs every week, even if you have to miss a run.

Number 7:

The sober driver only pays half his share for the beer, as does the person whose vehicle you’re using. The other half is split amongst everybody else. If the sober driver is driving his own vehicle, his beer is free.

Number 8:

The owner of the vehicle pays for gas, no matter who is driving.

Number 9:

Once you’re home, everybody retains custody of the beer they bought.

Ideally, this beer will last until the next beer run. This, however, is sometimes not an easy task. While you are not obligated to share with your beerless buddies mid-week, remember the golden beer rule:

“Giveth of thy beer freely, and you shall avoid thirst in your own times of need.”