A Tribute to Discontinued Cereals
Breakfast, the most important meal of the day. Or so you’ve been told. I grew up in what I christen the golden age of breakfast cereal, with a large variety of sugar laced options to choose from. And choose I did. I was a fan of many cereals, and I guess I should be thankful for parents who didn’t limit my options. Any mixture of sugar, grain, and corn was fair game and the more marshmallows the better! Just as long as it tasted good (or sometimes even if it didn’t).
But as the lesson goes, all good things must come to an end. As time passed, products fell by the wayside to make room for the latest products and their sugar-blasted flavors and snazzy box art. Maybe some cereals got lost in the shuffle as their assembly lines drawn to close. But that doesn’t mean those cereals are forgotten. Our memories are still fond, at least as fond as they can be while on a sugar high and waxing nostalgic.
We pay tribute to these sweet breakfast addictions and their psychedelic ad campaigns. In my research I did find some good news, however. Fans of Kaboom!, King Vitaman, and Quisp will be happy to know these favorites still survive, and can easily be purchased online. Even a relatively new favorite like Rice Krispie Treats cereal is still around. But for every success, many failed to receive their stay of execution. And it’s for those we can only hope one day they are resurrected. Until then we only can hope, remember, and curse the cereal killers.
This is by no means an exhaustive list, there are simply too many cereals out there. We even had to break this post into multiple pages. But these are some of the biggest highlights. Let us know which ones you individually miss. And remember, an estimated 58 percent of “children’s” cereals are consumed by the over-18 crowd.
Fruit Brute (1975-1983) and Yummy Mummy (1987-1993)
Once upon a time, General Mills created a product line of five monster-themed breakfast cereals. Everyone knows Count Chocula, and Franken Berry and Boo Berry are still somewhat available, particularly around Halloween. But few remember Fruit Brute and Yummy Mummy (which General Mills technically doesn’t count as part of its Monster brand). Fruit Brute had a fruit-flavored cereal with lime flavored marshmallows while Yummy Mummy had fruit-flavored cereal with vanilla-flavored marshmallows. Neither succeeded, but at least Yummy Mummy makes your tummy feel yummy! Heh, heh, heh! Fruit Brute was shot by a silver bullet after an eight-year run, but Quentin Tarantino has brought a modicum of coolness to the cereal by having it appear in Mr. Orange’s apartment in Reservoir Dogs and having Lance eat it in Pulp Fiction. Maybe it was just ahead of its time. Everything seems to be infused with lime these days, from beer to soda. So why not have it in a cereal?
Banana Frosted Flakes (1981-1984)
Proving that even the strongest brand names will dabble in flavor variants, Kellogg’s added real banana bits to their standard Frosted Flakes line. Tony the Tiger even got into the act, donning a straw hat and picking the bananas himself. The idea had merit, as some people put actual banana slices in their cereal. Too bad this product apparently had little appeal. Still, if you really want flavored Frosted Flakes, you might be able to snag Cocoa Frosted Flakes in Mexico (or Zucaritas as they’re known locally). Here’s a TV commercial to further attest the banana variants actually existed:
Ice Cream Cones (1987)
Ice Cream Jones pedaled these sugary treats, both literally and figuratively. He rode an old-fashioned pedal bike and promised to deliver “the great taste of ice creams cones!” Let’s not dwell on the fact he would track down unsupervised kids in the middle of the woods in order to bring them breakfast. No need to call Chris Hansen just yet, the man has scrumptious ice cream cereal! It consisted of puffs sweetened with chocolate or vanilla, as well as sugar cone-shaped pieces. The product run lasted less than one year, but was briefly brought back in 2003 in a chocolate chip variant to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the ice cream cone. Ice Cream Jones, however, remains MIA. Maybe Chris Hansen did get to him after all.
Oreo O’s (1988-2007)
The delicious taste of Oreo in a fun-to-crunch cereal! Made by Post, the cereal consisted of little chocolate flavored hoops with white sprinkles, or basically Oreos in cereal form. Additionally, there was a variation called Extreme Creme Taste Oreo O’s containing Oreo frosting flavored marshmallows. That cereal harnessed the “Extreme Creme Taste” experience that kids love! Although criticized for having a very high amount of sugar per serving, the cereal was very delicious. Maybe not quite the same as a freshly-dunked Oreoes, but not a bad morning substitute.
Cinnamon Mini-Buns (1991-1993)
If Oreos in cereal form doesn’t float your boat, you can always try cinnamon buns in cereal form. And cinnamon buns are actually breakfast food, so maybe you don’t feel so guilty afterwards. Kellogg’s packed the ”big taste of cinnamon buns in the fun size of cereal”, complete with a cinnamon tornado that will sprinkle cinnamon on every bun. Although discontinued in 1993, Kellogg’s Mini Swirlz is a reasonable substitute.
Nerds (1985)
Or one can bypass the pretense of food and just go with pure sugar candy in cereal form. Nerds cereal was just like a blown up box of the candy, divided into two flavors. Which side will you eat first? You could even get a divided bowl and eat both at the same time! The cereal didn’t last long, and sadly the candy has seen better days as well. Once available in a plethora of flavors, it seems you can only buy them in a select few varieties today. Where are the Cherry Cola Nerds from the commercial?:
Dunkin’ Donuts
Speaking of cereals boxes cleverly divided into two, I present Dunkin’ Donuts cereal, the crunchy little donuts with a great big taste. This was pretty much more sugary oats, and the box came with two long skinny bags of “donuts” flavored in chocolate and glazed (which was more like vanilla). You even got the traditional “Time to make the donuts!” spokesman, Fred the Baker, on the box. I wonder what happens to people that complain kid’s cereal have more sugar than a donut when they see a cereal of donuts?
Grins & Smiles & Giggles & Laughs
Well, I guess they couldn’t call it “Shits and Giggles”, now could they? I think people laughed at the name more the the cereal, but it did have a Cap’n Crunch like taste made up of large happy face pieces that “smile back at you.” This 1970s cereal didn’t last all that long, and I’ll admit its inclusion on this tribute is more about the name, which could pass for a 1970s sitcom, than the cereal. I’m also a little creeped out by the advertisement, which required one to make a robot laugh in order to vomit up boxes of cereal:
Puffa Puffa Rice (1967 – 1975)
The Hawaiian cereal that originated in Battle Creek, Michigan. It was puffed rice with a light honey coating and advertised with a Hawaiian theme. In the commercial below you can see Hawaiians dumping bushels of rice and brown sugar cane into an active volcano, which erupts sending the Puffa Puffa fallout into your bowl. At least the Chief seems to like it. Digga digga bowlful! Given the nature of the ad, apparently Hawaiians were acceptable ethnic targets in the 1960s. At least the Puffa Puffa people aren’t violent like Punchy of Hawaiian Punch fame.
Pink Panther Flakes (1972-1974)
For those craving a pink cereal, literally. The near neon pink frosted corn flakes turned your milk pink. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. These flakes were pretty similar to Fruity Pebbles, but endorsed by the famous fuchsia cat of movie and cartoon fame. For a while there it looked like Tony the Tiger might have some competition. And no offense to Tony, but the Pink Panther has better theme music. Although the cereal was inspired more by the cartoon than the movies, the recent release of a new Pink Panther film nevertheless provides the perfect time to bring this bad boy back. And the Pink Panther could use the work, he’s been slumming it peddling Owens Corning insulation.
Smurf Magic Berries and Smurf-Berry Crunch (1983-?)
For those people that won’t eat any cereal that doesn’t turn the milk blue. Or if the pink milk of Pink Panther Flakes isn’t you, try these very smurfy breakfast treats. The perfect cereal to eat while you sit back and watch Saturday morning cartoons. At least when Saturday morning cartoons existed. Introduced by Post, breakfast was never been the same after The Smurfs had their very own cereal. Because Post already had success with turning the Flintstones into a cereal, the Smurfs was the next logical step. Smurf-Berry Crunch was released in 1983 and was later reformated and renamed Smurf Magic Berries around 1988 (allegedly Smurf-Berry Crunch turned poop weird colors and parents got freaked out). The former was red and blue colored corn puffs, while the latter had yellow cornpuffs and added marshmallow stars instead of “smurfberries.” Just look how much Papa Smurf enjoys eating a big bowl of Smurf-Berry Crunch cereal. Maybe Gargamel should have tried this stuff instead of attempting (and failing) to eat the Smurfs all the time.
Freakies (1972-1976)
The Freakies were made up of seven creatures named Hamhose, Gargle, Cowmumble, Grumble, Goody-Goody, Snorkeldorf, and the leader BossMoss. In the mythology of the Freakies, the seven went in search of the legendary Freakies Tree which grew the Freakies cereal. They found the Tree and promptly took up residence. The pieces of cereal were shaped liked cheerios and each box housed a free Freakie inside. Later on, fruity and cocoa flavored variants emerged. Interesting tidbit, research indicated that kids related to Freakies so well because there were seven different characters, allowing something for all kids to relate to. Because we know kids love to relate to freaks. We are the freakies, we are the freakies and this is the freakies tree…we never miss a meal, ’cause we love our cereal!
Dino Pebbles (late 1980s-early 1990s)
Fruity Pebbles and Cocoa Pebbles are the core of the Pebbles brand, but there have been slight variations over the years such as Cinna-Crunch Pebbles or Fiesta Fruity Pebbles. Dino Pebbles wasn’t just a slight variation, but a new cereal featuring vanilla-flavored flakes and Dino-shaped marshmallows. And to get the great taste, you don’t have to steal it from Fred like Barney does. The greatest attribute of this cereal was that it possessed the most marshmallows per box of any cereal. Sugary deliciousness! The same basic cereal was resurrected many years later under the name Marshmallow Mania Pebbles, which alas was also was discontinued. Post later released Dino Smores Pebbles, but it’s entirely different.
Buc Wheats (1970s-early 1980s)
Too bad whenever I think of Buckwheat, I don’t think of the Little Rascal Billie “Buckwheat” Thomas, but the Eddie Murphy Saturday Night Live impersonation. Here’s a sample:
Out around the same time as early Saturday Night Live, Buc Wheats cereal consisted of toasted flakes of wheat (originally with buckwheat), kind of like dark colored Frosted Flakes, with a sweet maple-flavored glaze baked onto them. In short they tasted “O-Tay”! This cereal long since ceased production, but reports place Frosted Flakes Gold or Kellogg’s Smart Start Healthy Heart Maple and Brown Sugar as reasonable substitutes.
Mr. T
If Eddie Murphy as Buckwheat doesn’t do it for you, how about another 1980s icon? Mr. T has been an Internet sensation since the days he was eating your balls, so it’s only natural he once had a cereal. He’s Mr. T damn it! I wouldn’t expect anything less. You might even remember the cereal appearing in the film Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure. But it wasn’t just a Hollywood creation, you could buy it too. His cereal was basically a rebranded Cap’n Crunch, except the crispy corn and oats bits were T-shaped. The biggest disappointments were that the cereal had nothing to do with the A-Team or his massive amounts of gold chains. Instead it was based off his cartoon and his gang of go-goody kids. I want my cereal ads to feature kids taunting poor rabbits, causing birds to go cuckoo, or plain theft like the Cookie Crook. This just doesn’t sit right. Hell the commercial doesn’t even feature his “I pity the fool” line…
Urkel-Os (1991)
Pretty much the exact opposite of Mr. T, a cereal based on Steve Urkel from Family Matters. Of course the cereal seemingly has nothing to do with Urkel, it’s just strawberry and banana flavored rings. At least it didn’t taste like cheeeeeeeeeeese. Maybe if you ate them, it made you do the Urkel dance? I think the lesson here is that sitcoms shouldn’t have their own breakfast food. We’re opening the door to all sorts of bad ideas. Like Small Wonder Flakes with Vicki the Robot marshmallows.
C3POs (1984-?)
Of course if Steve Urkel can land a cereal, it’s only natural that a gay Star Wars robot could do the same. Showing that George Lucas would leave no promotional scheme unturned, a cereal was introduced in 1984 inspired by the multi-lingual droid from Star Wars (Why him? I have no idea). It dubbed itself “a new (crunchy) force at breakfast” and was composed of “twin rings phased together for two crunches in every double-O”, or basically an eight. Or maybe they’re just deformed Cheerios pawned off on kids. Not sure what that has to do with C3P0, but at least you could cut out a Star Wars mask from the back an pretend to be Boba Fett or some other character while you ate it. Unfortunately it tasted like Lucky Charms without the marshmallows, so it wasn’t a big hit. But it had the Star Wars brand name, so it had to be cool, right? At least you can enjoy this retro commercial:
