Ten Horrible Songs By Ten Mediocre Actors
You know that old Reese’s Peanut Butter ad that featured the coming together of ‘two great flavors’? You remember: ‘Two great tastes that taste great together’, the whole, ‘you got peanut butter in my chocolate…’ thing? OK, now you got it. Anyway, take that analogy and throw it in to the typical disaster caused when an actor or actress decides to make an album. See where I’m going with this? For some reason there is almost never a good flavor formed when a poplar TV star gets a bug up his or her ass to make music. I just can’t quite wrap my mind around the sudden need for a well-established actor to, out of the blue, record a wickedly shitty record when there are plenty of actual recording artists who do that really well on a regular basis. I’m quite certain there’s a special demon direct from the sodden bowels of Hell who starts these performers on the trails to musical catastrophe. I, for one, would like to meet this guy. Anyway, here’s the ten worst.
10. Jennifer Love Hewitt – Self Titled
Okay, Okay I know there’s been an awful lot of JLH bashing going on of late, and I’m not here to say anything about her body… other than the upper portion of it is pretty damn slammin’, but other than that, this is all about her voice that, for the duration of this song, made me want to jam my head into an industrial meat grinder. I think… no, I KNOW that her decision to make a recorded album is one of the signs of the Apocalypse. Hell is on Earth right now, and thy name is HEWITT!
9. John Stamos and The Beach Boys – Kokomo
I have no qualms with John Stamos as a whole. In fact, other than the comedic genius of Bob Saget on Full House, he was the only other cast member I could even remotely stomach (Yeah, Dave Coulier can march into traffic). He was far too similar to The Fonz, however, and that’s just wrong on so many levels. Then, as The Beach Boys made an appearance or two in the show, this song was performed and later recorded for the Tom Cruise vehicle, Cocktail. If Purgatory has a soundtrack, this shit is it.
8. William Shatner – Rocket Man
First of all, Bernie Taupin couldn’t look any more uncomfortable if Elton himself were dangling his crotch tackle in front of his very eyes. Then comes the evil that is Shatner’s rendition of a really good song done really, REALLY horribly. Basically spoken word done in the classic Kirkian hesitation style, this song sets of pain nerves in my ears that run waves through my body. The pain is excruciating. Enjoy!
7. Olivia Newton John – Xanadu (Have to Believe We Are Magic)
Gorgeous? Yep. Talented? Certainly. F’ed up 80’s-style fem-mullet? Oh HELL yes. This video is from the movie Xanadu, which just so happens to be one of the earliest flicks I can remember watching on HBO. Does any of that make this song any less like a hot skewer to the eyes? No sir, it does not. Sure, this one’s a little different, considering she’s really more known as a vocalist first, but, having wandered into acting (Grease) and then to go to this… yeah, she belongs here, alright.
6. Eddie Murphy – Party All The Time
This song just sweats funky, cloying 80’s perspiration all over the room. Witness as Eddie Murphy, the foul-mouthed comedian and oft-times voice-over actor, tears it up with Rick James and his ultra-synthesized back beat. Can you stomach the gut-wrenching lyrics as Eddie explains to us how his girl naturally enjoys attending after-hours events quite frequently? Then shoot yourself in the face.
5. Don Johnson – Heartbeat
Oh wait so… Now hold… Oh, shit, no don’t… Oh dear Lord! What the Hell is the deal with the looking-over-the-shoulder thing? Is he nervous? Was he just so damn ‘Sonny Crocke’t that it was difficult for him to stray from the character to a more, um, EXACTLY THE SAME DAMN THING IN THIS VIDEO! Oh, please tell me he never, EVER released another collection of revolting tunes… PLEASE!
4. Leonard Nimoy – Bilbo Baggins
I’m not sure what this video makes me want to do more: Punch babies or drop-kick a kitten, and I’m really not positive which part, specifically, wants to make me commit these heinous acts first: the horrific dancing or Spock’s Lovecraftian caterwauling! Just watching a few seconds of these ‘dancers’ go into throes of epileptic gyrations gives me more reason to want to club infant animals. I’m sorry, really.
3. The Hoff – Night Rocker
Look, I’m fully aware that this video is meant to be entirely tongue-in-cheek, and it is really damn funny. However, Hasselhoff currently has a fruitful singing career, especially in Germany, or so I understand. This phenomenon baffles me. I remember this ‘actor’ in such hits as Knight Rider and Baywatch and never really said to myself, “Hey, you know what, I bet this guy can F’ing rock like nobody’s business. He really ought to put out several mediocre records.” Yet, as it stands, he has. Wow.
2. Joey Lawrence – Self Titled
Sadly, I was tempted to start this particular paragraph with the word ‘Whoa’, but I resisted. Joey Lawrence; let us tick off a few career points from your childhood. Let’s see: Gimme a Break, Blossom… nope, got nothin’ else. So once again we find a half-ass acting ‘talent’ choosing to take the other fork in the road and try his hand in the music biz. Then, oh mercy, try to spearhead a tour with two other has-beens named Joey: McEntyre and Fatone from some other dumb ass boy bands. Kill this ass hat as soons as physically possible. For me. Please.
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Why is Xanadu on that list???!!!! ELO and ONJ are awesome and that song was great, especially if you grew up during that time (which I did). This song was huge in high school! The movie sucked, but the soundtrack was great. Bashing on ELO and ONJ means you are probably in your 20s. LOL!
Olivia Newton John performing “Magic” is a fantastic song and vocal. Brilliant mellody, sung with spiritual passion. A hopeful song about the beauty of life. I must disagree with your cheap critique. Its so easy to laugh and to hate, it takes guts to be gentle and kind….
I love over half of these songs — one of them because it’s actually good, and the others because, well, they’re listenable novelties. All the Star Trek ones are bad, but hilarious.
Oddly, Shatner, of all people, has one of the best celeb-sung songs, ever: the cover of Pulp’s Common People that he did with Ben Folds and Joe Jackson (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKbt3wRsZYw).
come on, bill shatner was obviously having a laugh doing rocket man. i also have to defend ELO’s part in xanadu. i would also like to have seen ONJ naked in her prime, oh did i say that out loud? WOOPS!
sorry for the double post, i forgot… for the hoff you should have used “hooked on a feeling”. it is by far the best of his stuff. (brings a tear to my eye every time)
This list is horrible. For one thing this guy didn’t do his homework at all. Olivia Newton John was famous for her music first, Down Under, before becoming an actress. Grease helped me her really famous over here in the US. Eddie Murphy was and still is a great actor and he wasn’t half bad as a singer either. David Hassellhoff’s music may not be appreciated here in the US, but then the world doesn’t revolve around the US anymore. His music is loved over in Europe, especially in Germany. And, finally, we get to Leonard Nimoy, a man who is actually a very good actor and wasn’t that bad a singer either. He was much better at both than Shatner. This guy needs to improve his tastes in actors and music.
Jennifer Love Hewitt sounds better than 90% of the shit I’ve heard on pop radio the last few years.
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Gotta add my voice to those who like Magic by ONJ. Xanadu is a crap movie, but there’s some good 80’s tunes that came out of it. I have a sneaking affection for ONJ’s girl mullet too.
A sad, incomplete list that doesn’t include Patrick Swayze (she’s like the wind) or David Soul (don’t give up on us). And it isn’t often you can say Don Johnson’s song is waaay better, but if you compare to Miami Vice co star Philip Michael Thomas singing “just the way I planned it” what else CAN you say?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLRwdbg1xME
That hobbit song by Nimoy had me choking on my water. What a laugh riot! An acid trip without the acid.
Oh, by the way, Olivia Newton John was a slam bang hottie and that song Xanadu wasn’t bad at all.
Ken
You should be on a horrible posts by mediocre bloggers list, fuckbag
Someone needs to do more than a 5 minute Youtube search before submitting their material for publication.
Apparently we have underestimated the power of the Olivia Newton John fanclub. Welcome to Gunaxin, enjoy the article.
[...] Ten Horrible Songs By Ten Mediocre Actors [...]
3 of the 10 are star trek actors?
that’s just freaky.
[...] 10 Horrible Songs By 10 Mediocre Actors: No Jimmy Fallon, but Brent Spinerrocks the mike! (GA) old 09.03.09 | Link [...]
Don’t forget Bruce Willis & The Accelerators, although “Comin’ Right Up” is kinda catch
Okay, you seriously missed the most horrible of the horrible…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIxiZa5YGME
You forgot RazzaMatazz by John Travolta!
[...] Ten Horrible Songs By Ten Mediocre Actors [...]
I agree… Xanadu shouldnt be on here. There are far too many others that are better qualified to fill this spot!
I agree… Xanadu shouldnt be on here. Neither should Kokomo now that I think about it..as it had great commercial success, unlike the rest on this list…so it couldntve been that bad! There are far too many others that are better qualified to fill these 2 spots!
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